The Lesson will be Repeated Until it is Learned

It's been an interesting week. Seems that I'm again finding myself working for a person who likes to abuse their employees.  Really.  We had our annual Christmas part last Thursday, and she found it necessary to publicly call out a co-worker for something.  She did so loudly, she was mean, and she did it with three of us sitting there at the table. She did it in the middle of the office Christmas Party.

Now, I understand why a bully would do something like that.  My question, which my son so aptly asked me, is:  why do I keep running into these people?  I walked off of my last job because the owner of that company was the same way.

There is a saying:  The lesson will be repeated until it is learned.

I'm trying to figure out what I am supposed to be learning.

Having Had a Spiritual Awakening...

The meeting this week was on the twelfth step:  "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

What strikes me about this step is this part:

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...

To me, the spiritual awakening comes when I have the ability to see things through God's eyes, not my own. I began to pray this prayer with my son and daughter in law.  This gives me the ability to not take sides in their struggle to survive this thing we call life.  I am acutely aware that I have an unhealthy impulse to rush in, give advice, fix and make everything better for my son.  When he's at odds with his wife, it's all too easy for me to take his side.  Being able to set aside those impulses and see the two of them as individuals with all of their respective issues, fears, wants and needs has literally saved my relationships with each of them.  I sincerely believe that if I had said even a fraction of the things that have run through my mind up to now, I would have destroyed my relationship with them.

Instead, I keep my mouth shut and listen. When I do speak, my Higher Power gives me the insight to see what's really going on below the surface and speak to that.  Amazing things happen when I'm open.

Just for today, I pray to see things through Gods eyes.

Al Anon's Do's and Don'ts...

...because I need rules:

DO:
•Do forgive
•Do be humble
•Do take it easy — tension is harmful
•Do play — find recreation and hobbies
•Do keep on trying whenever you fail
•Do learn the facts about alcoholism
•Do attend Al-Anon meetings often
•Do pray

DON'T:
•Don't be self-righteous
•Don't try to dominate, nag, scold and complain
•Don't lose your temper
•Don't try to push anyone but yourself
•Don't keep bringing up the past
•Don't keep checking up on the alcoholic
•Don't wallow in self-pity
•Don't make threats you don't intend to carry out
•Don't be over-protective
•Don't be a doormat

Just for Today, I will be Unafraid

My meeting was really good last night.  It was on acceptance.  I needed to hear what was being said.

After the meeting, I stayed and talked to a good friend.  I needed that also.  We talked about detachment.  It occurred to me later that acceptance and detachment are two sides of the same coin.  If I'm in acceptance of a situation, wouldn't it be easier to detach?

Most often, when I can't detach or let go of a situation, it's because I'm in fear. We talked about that also.  I pray, I turn it over, and then I get a flash in my mind - like a picture or an image - of my worst case scenario on a situation.  Then, I'm right back in fear again. These flashes happen most often at night, when I wake up for no apparent reason (or even from an apparent reason) at 3 am.  And I have no power to stop them; this is how the disease works on me.  I have no perspective in the middle of the night.  What I do have is a God that I know is with me even when I don't feel it. That's what gets me through those nights.

So, today was a good day.  A good day is one where I'm not stuck in my head all day.  I am in the present and living the life I've been given.  I'm not living in regret for something past; I'm not living in fear of what may or may not happen in the future. It was a good day.

Just for today, I will be unafraid.  Especially, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

"...With God all things are possible." ~ Matt 19:26

So we spent the day yesterday at my son's house, and I was able once again to witness the power of prayer in action.

We visited my son and his family yesterday for a late Thanksgiving dinner.  It was obvious as soon as I walked in that he was in immediate crisis. I went outside and texted those people that I know are praying people asking for immediate, urgent prayer.  Within half an hour, I could feel the tension subside somewhat, and pretty soon, he came downstairs and joined the family. I could FEEL the prayers.

This situation is not over.  But I believe that God is ultimately in control.  Whatever my son is going through will ultimately work to make him a more whole, integrated human being.  In the interim, I pray for guidance and wisdom to only say or do what's God's will. I try to keep my focus on God, and not on the immediate situation, which feels pretty hopeless at moment.  I pray that my son and daughter-in-law are given knowledge of God's will for them today, and the power to carry that out.

Just for today, I will live through this day only and not tackle my whole life's problem at once.

When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars

Today's Reminder:

If I so choose, I can regard everything that happens in my life as a gift from which I can learn and grow.  Today, I will find something positive hidden within a difficult situation and allow myself to be grateful.  I may be surprised at how much a little gratitude can help.  ~ Courage To Change, Nov. 27

Another restless night.  Somewhere in the dark, my normal motherly concern for a child who is in crisis turns to toxic obsessiveness.  This is how the disease works on me.  I struggle at night to keep my mind from creating the worst possible outcomes. I don't know what it is about the dark, but perspective escapes me at night.  (Maybe I should just go outside and look at the stars? LOL 😉)

Fortunately, night turns to day, and I am able to reign in my destructive thoughts and turn to the tools of the program. This is when I can begin again to trust that God is really in control, and that in the end, it will be OK, regardless of how things look today.

Everything will be OK in the end.  If it's not OK, then it's not the end.

Today I am Grateful that God has no Grandchildren

I'm going to take this blog in a different direction.  Politics are just agitating me right now, and that's not the place I care to live in at the moment.  I've decided that maybe I need to go in a more positive direction and focus on what I can change, and take life on life's terms.

So, first let me introduce myself.  I'm a grateful member of Al Anon for more than 25 years. You would think that I would have it all together after all that time, right? LOL, no. I still need the support and wisdom that I find in program.  One thing I've learned over the years is that it's a process, not an event.

I love the slogans. I call it my "bumper sticker philosophy". Let Go and Let God. Easy Does It. One Day at a Time. These are the things that get me through when I'm struggling.  So, I've decided that this will be the theme for my blog for the time being.  Sort of like a diary, but hopefully if anyone out there reads it, it will help you also.

Anyway, I'm having a bit of a difficult weekend. I was at a meeting once, and someone said "I've come to the conclusion that when my kids are not OK, then I'm not OK, and that's OK". That's pretty much where I'm at today. My son is really having a rough time right now, and I have that familiar knot in my stomach. I should say that he's 34 years old, and married with two kids.  You would think at this point I could really detach, right? Well, I can to the point of not interfering. I know what not to get involved in, thanks to this program. So, I turn to the program to ease my own discomfort at watching a loved one struggle. And to know that it's really my own fear that I am feeling.  I have seen many miracles in my life, I know that my higher power is in control - in my head. Just for today, my gut is not convinced. So, I will turn to the tools that this program gave me. I will get through today and wait for the next miracle. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Today, I am grateful that God has no grandchildren.